You are my raincoat love caffeine. You harbour me, and coddle me, and feed me a sugarline that keeps me awake, consciousness of my surroundings. And we like Leda and Pollux, the twins of the stars, gather each other in grasps of flesh, so alike yet so unlike each other it drives us insane at times. People think in images, concrete, visible things, not so with us. Just a shimmer of remembrance that once floated in the imagination sets our souls alight with knowledge. Knowledge of each other, even though the veil between us, though thin is still there. There keeping us far enough apart that people can’t see our bondage unless their faces upturned are to the stars. For in the stars is our fortune, our own commodity of happiness. For there in those sparkling spots in the dark oblivion of space hold our history for all to see if they really look. Our love, yes our love, it’s a part of our history as much as anything. Or I’d like to think so. Many think it’s wrong to love, more to lust after someone so like you, but the face that we complete each other gives us the chance to prove them wrong. That this seduction into paradise is the most natural thing in the world, not something black and filled with tar. (Which they’d like you to think it is). And you are always there my raincoat love caffeine. A Galahad, a Romeo of sorts leading me blindfolded into a Zionistic heaven, so like the blue raincoat I imagine you wear when the weather’s gone soft.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well this is quite an intriguing piece. Its something that's clearly meant to be based on some sort of relationship between these two people and we've got this one person leaning rather heavily into as they seem to perhaps reflect on something important to do with said relationship. It has a very poetic feel to it, this could certainly pass of quite nicely as some form of prose poetry as much as it would be as a short story.
Moving past that and a bit more into the story itself. I like the way that you've drawn up comparisons here. It sort of gives you a bit of a scale to imagine things against and deepens what we can sort of imagine about this relationship even in as small a package as this one paragraph manages to be here. I think you really manage to tap into quite a bit of emotion there too despite the shorter size and as readers we can almost feel the depth of what's trying to be conveyed here in this piece.
I think in that sense, overall, you've done a really good job with this particular piece here. It certainly seems like it achieves everything this set out to achieve.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
You've got some unique ideas and interesting images. But for all that, it felt very bland and the emotions didn't seem real to me.
This was more like a poem than fiction. It was lovely, though. Good job. The only thing is that I would like a little more development of characters and plot. I realize completely that that is beyond the point of the story, but personally, as I'm a horrible poet and don't understand it that well, I would like to see this as a fictional piece. I love to read fiction that's written poetically.
So...good job, as a piece in itself. But I would personally would have liked more to read. And a little more coherence. (Again, I realize that this is a poetic piece of prose and coherence is beyond it, but still...)
And I love the title, only it needs to be capitalized.
-Sarah
This was really interesting, CL. It reflected your poetry greatly, but still was something of it's own.
The title was interesting, as well. It made a little more since after I read the piece.
But, this was a really thought provoking piece, and I enjoyed it very much. Nice job.